Sorry I haven’t posted in a few weeks but I’ve been working through a few issues. Firstly I’ve had more psychosomatic insanity going down. I know, I know I should know better considering my previous psychosomatic insanity post (much to my embarrassment) but I think I got a cold or something and I was feeling like hell and coughing and my already anxiety filled mind sprang to one point. I went for a bat flu test and it was confirmed that I’m going nuts. Bad timing. This lockdown has been an especially rough time, not going to the gym to release endorphins into my brain sucks big time, you don’t know what you have till it’s gone. Also a huge thing is I’m not able to go visit my father because the retirement village he lives in has really strict lock down rules, with him releasing his grip on reality because of his dementia it makes me feel even more like its out of my control. This really and truly breaks my heart. But also not seeing to many people in general is difficult, I miss my friends. Even though most are spread around the globe. Another massive problem I’m dealing with is the fact my tablet project for the muscular dystrophy foundation (windows into the outside world) has been put on the back burner because of this covid craziness and the economic climate now. This is titanic for me as a lot of my value and purpose hinged on this. Maybe it can still be revived, we will see. So all of this compounded with my rubbish body and the cold weather was / is seriously messing with my stupidly over active mind. A little bit of depression was starting to creep in along with thinking I was going crazy.
So the doctor changed my antidepressant to help more with my anxiety (so I’m super chilled out now). Even though I’ve been schliking happy pills for years, there is still a part of me that says ‘you don’t need this shit’ but I quite clearly do… My sister also organized I see a phycologist once a week on Skype and I’m feeling like I’m turning a corner, the light is starting to seep in a little or to use an analogy I used in DW, I’m starting to claw my way out of the putrid filled hole. Talking to someone who has understanding about the inner workings of our grey matter and has experience with disobedient bodies (she has a disability herself) has been hugely cathartic. Just a sounding board so I can hear my thoughts out loud and then try working them out. Of course she gives me advice and changes my perspective on some things.
Also I’m starting to feel a bit of spring in the air and even though I know there will be a few more cold fronts it gives me a little bit of hope, gives me a a spring in my step so to speak. I know this last point may sound a tad trivial but I absolutely detest the cold, it wreaks havoc with my neck and back. I don’t know if it’s just me but this winter has been particularly brutal.
So give me a bit of time and I will be kicking ass and chewing bubblegum!